Tetanus-Journal

Tetanus Journal

Events Relating to Muscle Contraction Illness -- Tetanus

August 14, 2004 (Saturday): Darning needle puncture after working in garden

August 16, 2004 (Monday): Find part of needle still in my toe; remove

August 18, 2004 (Wednesday): red line under toenail; soak foot in Epsom salts;
take masses of vit. C

August 19, 2004 (Thursday): red line under toenail; soak foot in Epsom salts;
take masses of vit. C; Corrine brings me TBI food. (TBI is Traumatic Brain
Injury.)

August 20, 2004 (Friday): red line under toenail; soak foot in Epsom salts; take
masses of vit. C; because there wasn’t a protein source in the TBI food, I called
Bienvenites and got food from them.

August 21, 2004 (Saturday): Eat cloudy eggs from Bienvenites; very well fried,
though. (Bienvenites, in Santa Fe, New Mexico, USA, gets food that can no
longer be sold in stores because it is spoiled or has reached its expiration date,
and gives this food to those in need. Santa Fe has one of the highest per capita
ownerships of Volvos in the world because of the number of wealthy Americans
who have second homes here. 8/20/05)

August 23, 2004 (Monday): red line under toenail; soak foot in Epsom salts;
take masses of vit. C

August 24, 2004 (Tuesday): red line under toenail; soak foot in Epsom salts;
take masses of vit. C

August 25, 2004 (Wednesday): red line under toenail; soak foot in Epsom salts;
take masses of vit. C; line seems fainter

September 30, 2004 (Thursday): Corrine brings box of food, I get a painful
muscle contraction while carrying box in; I can’t move; Corrine has to come and
take box; I’m trembling/perspiring, maybe from shock of pain. Was contraction
from how cold my house is, and how cold I am, or maybe the eggs.

October 1, 2004 (Friday): mid-section muscles very tight; exercise on Gazelle
makes it worse; call Alice Sisneros... she says not to come in, to go to E.R. which
has to see people who don’t have money; B12 shot to help me not be depressed. I
drive to E.R. The fact I don’t have a fever, swelling or obvious infection in my
toe, seems to make them think I’m not sick; they see everyone who comes in after
me, but not me. So I leave because sitting there is making me feel worse, but
maybe they are right and I’m not sick.

October 2, 2004 (Saturday): Get homeopathic Ledum 30 from Vitamin Cottage.
Begin taking Ledum every three hours. p.m. call pharmacist re symptoms: told to
get antibiotics and tetanus test; call Dr. Fitzpatrick at home: leave message re
symptoms, ask for antibiotic script; do not hear back. B12 shot.

October 3, 2004 (Sunday): can no longer lay down to sleep: muscles too tight;
when I do lay down, I get a muscle contraction when I try to sit back up again.
Nauseous. B12 shot. Ledum 30 every 3 hr.

October 4, 2004 (Monday): Nauseous; mid-section muscles tight. Ledum every 3
hr. B12 shot. 8:30 a.m. leave for Dr.’s. Patty at Whole Life Clinic orders tetanus
test “STAT” at TriCore. 2:00 p.m. TriCore says test takes ten days. Muscles by
diaphragm are tight. 3:00 go to ER. Same as last time: no swelling, no fever.
Muscles not just tight, but cramping. Sit, hugging my waist to control cramping.
7:00 p.m. cramping stops; feel much better. Leave E.R. go to Wal*Mart for
aspirin in case nausea was from heart having a hard time, and get saltines
because they are light... things have been too heavy, physically heavy, for me.

October 5, 2005 (Tuesday): no longer nauseous after taking aspirin. Muscles
not cramping, still tight, but not as much. Tell Corrine not to come over because
I’m so much better. Go to sheriff’s re Returns on summonses: get muscle twinges
and sit down; go to Wal*Mart for air mattress in case cramps are from uneven
surface I’ve been sleeping on; also get battery for my cordless phone so I can
have it in bed in case I can’t get up during the night and have to call ambulance;
begin to get major tightness and pain at Wal*Mart; pain at home like
appendicitis attack; can barely put air in mattress, fight pain to put sheets and
covers on bed. Go to bed; must sit, cannot lie down. Too sick to give myself B12
shot.

October 6, 2004 (Wednesday): stomach muscles still feel like appendicitis
attack; can’t sit at desk because of intense discomfort. B12 shot.

October 7, 2004 (Thursday): Up early, manage to shower, write letter and
check to Whole Life Clinic, go there thinking that if I’m there they will have to
see me. Dr. Young calls me in, says to lie on examination table. I say I haven’t
lain flat in many days, but do as she says. When she presses on my midsection
muscles, they are painful. Then my back muscles on the right side begin
extremely painful contractions. Each time one hits I scream. Whole Life Clinic
calls ambulance. Many contractions. Ambulance takes me to E.R. with IV in hand.
Muscle relaxant or pain killer put into IV. I ask how long before it will work. I
watch clock. Doctor interviews me. I explain about brain damage because pain is
making it hard to think. I am afraid I have tetanus. Doctor says I can’t have
tetanus because it is rare. Nurse says I can’t have it because it comes from the
soil. Doctor insists on psych evaluation before any medical help (besides pain
killer) is given. It takes a long time for them to draw blood. Techs say that flow
stops. Third person succeeds. I am very thirsty and ask for something to drink.
Told I can’t have anything unless doctor agrees. I don’t get anything to drink.
When blood work comes back, it’s fine. I’m given tetanus shot and two 250 mg
Erythromycin tablets plus some loose, and script for 5 days of 250 mg
Erythromycin. Ask nurse to write down when I should take it and Ibuprofen. I
had told nurse and Dr. Bardwell that I didn’t want stronger drug (than
Ibuprofen for the pain) because I was afraid that with my impaired balance I
might fall. Nurse wrote that I should take one Erythromycin four times a day,
and Ibuprofen three times a day; taxi coupon to get back to car. Sara calls p.m.
about delivering summonses next day.

October 8, 2004 (Friday): don’t want to go out, but summonses SO important.
11:30 a.m. meet Sara at Dunkin Donuts parking lot; she delivers 4 but then I
start fading fast. I ask if we can go to Walgreen’s for saltines, melatonin and so
I can get B12 needles. By the time I get the needles, the pain is intense and my
muscles are so tight that I’m bent over; hard to move from Sara’s car to mine.
Pray while I’m driving home that I make it. Go to bed. B12 shot through enormous
effort.

October 12, 2004 (Tuesday): Not enough Erythromycin left... call Wal*Mart to
see if they filled it right. They say doctor wrote that I was supposed to take
three a day... (I’ve been taking 4) Sara goes to Wal*Mart for me, for more
Ibuprofen and Saltines. I have a hard time standing up to answer door. Walking
is hard and slow. Corrine comes over; helps me by moving printer onto bedside
table, scanner onto bed, surge protector from living room to here, and by
switching cord away from where I could trip on it. Corrine arranges Home
Instead: 3hr a wk. I call Whole Life for more Erythromycin. Maricel comes over
from Home Instead to arrange caregiver. Call Wal*Mart to see if they got
script. Script is for Zithromax: $46. Call Whole Life and ask for something
cheaper. Told to buy it or not. B12 shot.

October 13, 2004 (Wednesday): Kathleen comes from Home Instead. I call
Whole Life for cheaper script. Ask Corrine to call them. Kathleen looks at my
bank account, calls Whole Life to say I don’t have money for Zithromax at $46.
New script is called in, but it’s for penicillin related drug, and I’m allergic to
penicillin. Kitchen Angels sends food. Great, healthy food: chicken, salad, soup.

October 14, 2004 (Thursday): Feel better a.m. Up fifteen seconds longer
before stomach muscles grow worryingly tight, as if they might set off bad
contractions. Erythromycin ran out yesterday. By p.m. I no longer feel better.
B12 shot.

October 15, 2004 (Friday): Call Whole Life: script is for amoxycillin and I’m
allergic to penicillin. Dr. Young says the script is cheaper. I say whether it’s
cheaper or not, I’m allergic to penicillin. I ask for Metronidazole which tetanus
sites suggest for people allergic to penicillin; no one to get it for me. By the
time Kitchen Angels brings food I could barely get to door, when I take food
bag, it’s too heavy for me and it falls to floor, he takes it to kitchen for me and
asks, “Is there anything else you need?” I said yes, prescription at Wal*Mart. I
was too sick to explain that new script was $4 and I had the money. Walking
from door to bed, I was in major pain, way bent over from tightness and
cramping.

October 16, 2004 (Saturday): Major cramping of midsection muscles – much
worse, except Ibuprofen keeps bad contractions from happening. Call Mormons
to get antibiotic prescription for me. Fight pain to put money on door.
Missionaries get script. Can barely stand up to go answer door and get script
from Mormons. Prescription is for two 250mg Metronidazole a day. Site said
500 mg, 4 times a day. Right thigh hurts... B12 shot, hope it helps.

October 17, 2004 (Sunday): very sick with tight muscles, cramping. Hope it gets
better. Right thigh hurts a lot, but not in the sunburn way.

October 18, 2004 (Monday): very sick with tight muscles, cramping; standing up
a few seconds while Kathleen changes sheet puts major strain on muscles;
cramping sensation very scary. Right thigh hurts: 25 or more stabbing pains all
at once. B12 shot.

October 19, 2004 (Tuesday): tight muscles, hard to stand; an inch of water in
Brita pitcher makes it so heavy for me that side muscles twinge as if the
extremely painful contractions will start in my back. Diane from Kitchen Angels
comes over; she’s nice, but answering her and explaining, my muscles get much
tighter, even up to diaphragm ones. I tell her that ER Doctor said I couldn’t
have tetanus. Sara comes at 1:30, she wants me to do everything. She says she
won’t finish summons returns. My muscles so much tighter that they hurt. I take
Ibuprofen 1 hr. early; neck stiff, eyes burn. B12 shot.

October 20, 2004 (Wednesday): tight muscles, hard to stand up, Brita pitcher
still feels very heavy with inch of water in it. Kitty sitting on lap, washing
herself, bumps my tummy muscles three times and my back muscles started
rippling like they did before the extremely painful contractions when the
ambulance took me to the E.R.

October 21, 2004 (Thursday): tight muscles, painful to stand. Thinking about
how bad I got while Diane from Kitchen Angels was here. Even though she was
really nice – the stress made my muscles worse. Sara, later, made tightness of
muscles so much worse I took Ibuprofen an hour early. But throat got sore, eyes
burned, and Ibuprofen didn’t help. Soooo, I try to be as relaxed as possible to
see if that helps muscles. B12 shot.

October 22, 2004 (Friday): Can’t sleep – write masses of emails early a.m.
Muscles still so tight: can’t stand up straight, have to sleep sitting up... Sooo, I
concentrate on relaxing muscles. It worries me that I’m not back to being as
good as I was before I was without the antibiotic for some days... I’m still much
worse than I was last week on Thursday. Right thigh is so piercingly painful.

October 23, 2004 (Saturday): Right thigh feels as if so many knives are
stabbing it. Stomach muscles very uncomfortably tight, neck stiff, couldn’t bend
to give kitty Fancy Feast treat; put it on unused table, but kitty didn’t find it;
made me sad. But I’m not as bad as I was a week ago yesterday; still, I can’t be
up 5 min. without feeling the cramping is bringing the painful muscle
contractions ... B12 shot.

October 24, 2004 (Sunday): Woken repeatedly by pain in right thigh. But when
I get up, it’s the longest I’m able to be up before the cramping sends me back to
bed, since over a week ago... I made a cup of coffee from start to finish. But, it
took half an hour for my muscles to feel good enough for me to let the kitty out.
She’s been major patient. She used to meow several times each day for a treat.
Now she hasn’t meowed for a treat in weeks. She watches me when it takes me so
long to stand up, and to walk. It’s like she can actually see a difference from
before. The first time I get up each day, I’m the best. After that it takes an
hour to regain enough strength to do about half as much... and it goes down hill
all day... Lots of my hair is falling out again, too. B12 shot.

October 25, 2004 (Monday): Up at 5 to take antibiotic. Right thigh is not as
painful as yesterday. (I am reminded that the right side of my body is where Dr.
Baten found the slowing when he tested my nerves... so maybe the nerves there
are not so well to begin with, and that’s why the contractions happened on my
right side...) 6 a.m. make cup of coffee and let kitty out, so I am better today
than yesterday when I couldn’t do both things. Kathleen a major help, gets food,
vitamin C, crock pot, stamps, ink, envelopes and mails Motion for Enlargement of
Time in all pending cases. She brings mail in. ER records are worryingly
inaccurate about salient things. Call hospital about how to complain about this...
talk to Mary Casious. Patty at Whole Life says Dr. Young thought I had
appendicitis... I say I had my appendix out as child. She says maybe hyperbaric
chamber will help. I find this suggestion VERY WORRYING. (If just touching
my stomach made me have the extremely painful back muscle seizures on
October 7, then what would happen if the air pressure changed all around me? I
thought the pressure would cause more extremely painful muscle contractions.
8/20/05)

October 26, 2004 (Tuesday): pain in right thigh wakes me at 6 a.m., makes me
cry out it’s so sharp and intense (this is the thigh that used to feel badly
sunburned alternating with numb – on the side that Dr. Baten’s tests showed had
slowing of nerve impluses). Have only one Metronidazol left: take it at 7 a.m.
Make coffee and let kitty out. I feel less sick, besides being a little stronger
and it taking a little longer for the cramping to start. Try to get right up and
make second cup of coffee, but that’s too much and I have to go back to bed
without finishing. Sleep a lot of the day; hopeful that Whole Life Clinic will call
in a Metronidazol prescription. Take Ledum at 9 p.m. Ibuprofen ongoing
schedule: 10:30 p.m. (600mg)

October 27, 2004 (Wednesday): 5 a.m. Ledum; then slept till 7, so took
Ibuprofen half an hour late. Waited 35 minutes for it to work, then got up to
make coffee; could not complete job without going back to bed. Call Whole Life
Clinic: say I got mail from them that was sent to my old address, I say that my
new address is on the letters I sent them; I ask how much longer I should be
taking/needing Ibuprofen, they say they talked to Alan Graham and to ask him...
I’m shocked. I say they had my address wrong, they prescribed penicillin when I’
m allergic to it; and that they said I had appendicitis when I had my appendix
out as a child. Janis says to call Alan Graham and hangs up. I call her back and
tell her that discussing my medical situation with him, without a release, is illegal.

October 28, 2004 (Thursday): Out of Ledum... Call Kerry campaign and say that
I will donate $25 if someone can pick it up and bring me Ledum from Vitamin
Cottage at the same time. Also out of B12 needles, but that seems to complicated
to try to deal with at the same time, i.e. in one errand for the $25 donation.
Muscles seem more tight, but I’m also very worried and stressed so maybe that
is why neck feels so much tighter, and mouth.

October 29, 2004 (Friday): Muscles very tight. Hard to be up for even the
shortest amount of time. Muscles so tight they cause me to bend over when I’m
up. Feel like I need to get more B12 needles. Kerry campaign sounds doubtful
when I mention B12 needles for a donation... so I call Home Instead and agree
to pay for three hours so I can have someone get me some more B12 needles. I
relax a lot after I have the needles and a B12 shot. By midnight muscles seem a
bit less tight.

October 30, 2004 (Saturday): Muscles a little less tight; able to sit in chair
and soak foot in Epsom salts for 20 minutes, a few times – have hour rest in
between. Red line seems a lot less bright. B12 shot; also still taking Ledum. By
7p.m. muscles feel less tight and I’m so happy about that. I can bend enough to
turn the electric heater on, though doing so feels as if I’m pushing the envelope.

October 31, 2004 (Sunday): Woken by intense, extreme pain in right thigh.
Feels like a million blood vessels broke; but when pain subsides, I turn on light:
my thigh doesn’t look different; muscles in it feel lumpy. Maybe the pain is from
them tightening like my stomach, side and back muscles tighten, only because my
thigh is so often numb, maybe the pain shocks through the numbness or
something... Now when I touch it, the muscles are sore like my stomach muscles
were sore after they’d been tight. Maybe the extreme pain in my thigh is the
muscles contracting, only it feels different from my back muscles contracting
because of my thigh being numb (peripheral neuropathy). Certainly the pain is
extreme and makes me scream like the muscle contractions in my back did. I
haven’t touched my stomach muscles in ages because I’m afraid I’ll bring on those
horrible muscle contractions in my back. My hospital records show tests for all
kinds of illegal drugs, but no B12 or folate test. Maybe when Dr. Raboff said
my blood work looked good, all he meant was that I hadn’t been taking illegal
drugs; that’s worrying if he thought the problem was illegal drugs and didn’t look
at the real problems, like my tight muscles and the contractions in my back. I
think I better go there today, because if the extreme pain in my thigh is related
to tetanus, then maybe I still haven’t had enough antibiotic: Dr. Raboff
prescribed a small amount, then it took several days to get more, and then that
amount was only a quarter of what tetanus web sites recommend. Luckily I was
able to get twice that amount... so in the end on the second course I had about
half of what is recommended. The trouble with going to the hospital is that I’ll
have to call an ambulance since not only haven’t I been up but a few minutes a
day, if the intense pain happened while I was driving, it could cause an accident.
Another problem is that if the hospital is invested in being right, then they will
not look at my symptoms this time either, and they won’t actually do what is
needed to help... I will take this “journal” with me, and the actual needle on the
paper I taped it to. Also worrying: the hospital apparently decided I was
paranoid... and again, just like May, 1997, focused on me being psychologically
rather than physically sick. I think that on October 7, 2004, my hospital
created history, my TBI (traumatic brain injury) and how extremely irritable I
was worked against me. The pain was so severe that it depleted me. I was angry
that I am in poverty; I am sure I could still be a Realtor if the hospital had
identified my B12 problem in May, 1997, and had treated it. I already knew at
that time that my mother had pernicious anemia; I just didn’t know that
pernicious anemia can be hereditary. So, my anger at the hospital’s negligence
regarding my B12 in 1997, caused me to be angry and fearful that the same thing
would happen again... and it did. Today, this “journal” can speak rationally about
what has been going on physically with me: muscle tightness that reduces after
antibiotics, but which returns when the small courses of antibiotics run out. I’ll
put my prescription bottles in my purse now.

November 1, 2004 (Monday): Hospital put me down so bad yesterday. I
explained some to Jill (the therapist I had been seeing through the Department
of Vocational Rehab and Alan Graham) by email last night when I was afraid to
go to sleep because of the contraction in my thigh yesterday a.m. Hand held
phone battery dead. Today, while there’s significant sharp pain in my thigh, the
contraction thing which is so much more severe didn’t happen. Corrine came over
because she couldn’t reach me by phone. I’d forgotten to connect the cord phone
after I took the hand held to recharge. I told her that I can take bigger steps
now. She asked, “Full sized ones?” I said no, not at all. And I said I still can’t
step over the phone cord where it’s raised a few inches from the floor. I told her
about the ER visit and how they never even touched my toe. I showed her the
crock pot I’ve been using to soak my foot so the water can be warm. I thanked
her for Kathleen from Home Instead. I told her that I’d tried to put the
remaining summonses together but that I couldn’t stand long enough to organize
them. I showed her the returns from the summonses that Sara delivered, and I
explained what still needs to be done.

November 2, 2004 (Tuesday): Open and read ballot; need number 2 pencil. Put
number 2 pencils on my shopping list for Kathleen. Kathleen comes, is great as
usual. She goes to bank and Wal*Mart. Wal*Mart is out of CDs for developed
film. She does bring back B12 needles. Then she takes ballot to county clerk and
3 returns to file at district court. B12 shot. Watch voting results till early a.m. I
don’t want to go to sleep for fear of the contractions in my right thigh. Muscles
in thigh are really lumpy/hard and are sore to the touch. Eat raw garlic
(Kathleen bought it) hoping it works like antibiotic on toe.

November 3, 2004 (Wednesday): intense pain in right thigh, early a.m. wakes me.
It’s very scary because I know I can’t go to ER because they said I couldn’t
come back. While the pain is very bad, it isn’t actually that of a contraction. I
keep calming myself so the contractions don’t happen. Get a couple more hours
sleep. Soak my foot a total of a little over 2 hours. Start taking arnica to see if
that helps muscles stop being so tight. Take less Ledum because there seems to be
improvement... eat raw garlic... pretty intense. B12 shot.

November 4, 2004 (Thursday): pain in thigh woke me early a.m. again, but it
wasn’t a contraction. After awhile got more sleep. When I got up, later, I could
fill the Brita pitcher without the weight making my right back muscles feel like
they would start contracting. Decide to try going down to 2 Ibuprofen every 8
hours, instead of 3. I’ve been worried about the amount of Ibuprofen I’ve been
taking... for nearly a month, now. Bending to change the heat setting on the oil
filled radiator didn’t feel like it was stressing my muscles this morning. My voice
is consistently stronger today, and my diaphragm muscles don’t feel as tight. Eat
garlic with bologna and american cheese slices. Not quite so intense; eat several
cloves. By 7:30 p.m. I’m feeling worse, more like last week. I’m missing the extra
Ibuprofen and decide I will take three to get me through the night. I wonder if I
can make it till 11:30. Despite feeling bad, I soaked my foot for an hour this
evening. Taking arnica every 6 hours; Ledum every 12 hours.

November 5, 2004 (Friday): red lines just as prominent in the a.m. as yesterday
a.m. Pain in thigh intermittent, intense, like thigh is being shot with broken glass.
Try vitamin B12 shot in thigh, feels weird because of numbness—when I pinch
thigh to make thicker place to give shot, thigh feels really foreign. Several hours
later, early evening, try a second shot. Ate garlic during the day. Also took a lot
of vitamin C – I’ve been forgetting to record that... about a dozen 500 mg two or
three times a day. Kathleen got another huge bottle on Tuesday. Go to Ledum and
arnica every 8 hours, but not on the same hour. Tightening of muscles doesn’t seem
to happen quite as quickly. Feel I should work on my web pages but doing so
causes my muscles to tighten badly so that there begins to be pain. Soak foot...
red lines decreased by soaking.

November 6, 2004 (Saturday): good telly day on channel 5. Easier to just be in
bed when there are interesting things to watch: home and cooking shows. From
having joined health forums I’m beginning to understand that people with
fibromyalgia have wide spread pain... and what I have is most often the tightening
that I know from the day I didn’t give into it and it turned into an appendix
feeling pain, I can’t ignore... that was October 5. Realize I should find better
ways of describing the tightening, and not be calling it pain, even though I
realize it is the beginning of the appendix type pain, but only if I try to ignore
the stiffening. Also the longer I ignore the stiffening, the longer it takes to
recover to the point I was before it started, but not in the sense of one minute
equals one minute, more like 5 seconds equals 10 minutes... Feel like thigh is a
little better. Do two B12 shots again. Thigh still feels really foreign when I
touch it because it’s so numb and also lumpy feeling, tight. My other tight muscles
don’t seem to feel lumpy. Arnica, ledum, vitamin C, garlic.

November 7, 2004 (Sunday): Talked to Linda. All of a sudden began trembling.
Said I had to go; took ages for the trembling to stop. I think it was from pushing
myself after I’d gotten tired – even something as simple as just talking is
exhausting.

November 8, 2004 (Monday): pain in thigh less intense. Soak foot and put wet,
warm Epsom salt towel on thigh. Get radiator half way to bathroom w/shower;
but then finishing making cup of coffee makes back muscles really tight – I press
on them to make them feel better. While I was soaking my foot, I thought of lots
of things I need to do, but now I can’t remember. It takes sooo much time to soak
my foot, and rest and soak my foot. After I finish it seems like there’s less
evidence of infection, but hours later or next day, it looks red and it’s painful if
I press where it’s red. By 1:30 p.m. I’ve managed to move the radiator all the
way into the bathroom. It took three applications of time and effort, and the last
time I made myself finish even though my muscles were getting not only tight but
painful in the way the major pain that started that day when I went to the
sheriffs and pushed myself too hard. So now I’ll have to rest in order to be able
to stand long enough to take a shower.

November 9, 2004 (Tuesday): red lines going down toe now. Show them to
Kathleen, can she see them? She says yes. Over night, use cotton wool compress
( ½ cup Epsom salts and ½ cup hot water) on my toe with ThermaCare heating
things (that Kathleen bought) to keep it warm, with a sock to hold it in place.

November 10, 2004 (Wednesday): lines have receded; muscle pain takes longer
to start after I’m up. I can be up about ten minutes first thing in the morning...
then less long after a rest. I only took 2 Ibuprofen early this morning, about
1:00 a.m. and none again till this evening at 8:30 p.m. when my muscles were
really uncomfortable when I wanted to get a cup of green tea. I spent many
hours today soaking my foot in the hopes of the red lines going totally away. My
toe was painful today when I brushed it, as if something were in it and sticking
out, like a splinter. So maybe that’s the infection being drawn out by all the
Epsom salt soaking. Will use cotton wool compress ( ½ cup Epsom salts and ½ cup
hot water) on my toe with ThermaCare heating things to keep it warm over night,
with a sock to hold it in place.

November 11, 2004 (Thursday): Headache and stiff neck. Neck feels as if I’m
getting mumps; wonder if that’s from using less Ibuprofen. Take two Ibuprofen
at 8:00 a.m. 12:30 p.m. my neck is still stiff and feeling mump-like I wish I
didn’t have to rely on Epsom salts to get rid of the infection in my toe, if that’s
what’s making the redness and red lines.

November 12, 2004 (Friday): Kathleen comes again... idea was to get legal stuff
done, but it took me forever to explain things to her, I just could not keep on
track and be clear. I said, “We’re doomed,” because not enough got done. But
there was no way to change it. Part of problem was that I didn’t plan out today,
yesterday. Felt too bad yesterday.

November 13, 2004 (Saturday): good channel 5 t.v. day. Wonder how much
worse I’m going to feel. Look up horoscope to see if I have a death type transit
coming up. Luckily, not. Interesting, day accident happened, horoscope said,
“Your assertive energy and individual expression are challenged by the planet of
freedom, rebellion and sudden change. Obviously, this transit calls for lots of
flexibility on your part. It could be a very busy time when you feel like the pile
of work just never gets done, you don’t have any free time, there’s no respite.
You feel restless, tense, in need of a break, but are suppressing those feelings
and doggedly persisting in your treadmill. Watch out! This is how accidents
happen! Severely internalized tensions can also result in health issues that
require surgery... What the Universe is asking you to do, here, is to confront
yourself and recognize your own needs to be individual, to be free, to be able to
do the things you really like to do, and to be able to stick up for yourself when
necessary. Face up to your needs and take positive steps to assert them, and
this transit can result in very beneficial and creative changes that will make you
feel more alive and free than you’ve been in a long time.” September 30, the first
contraction day, was interesting, too. The only transit that day, said, “This is a
long-term pattern indicating a need to consider carefully when and where to go
‘full speed ahead’ as opposed to cautious planning. You might swing between
pushing too hard (and being blocked or frustrated by life or authority figures)
versus giving up and not trying. Yet, a middle position allows you to consider
carefully what must be done, then put great energy into working within the ‘rules
of the game’to achieve your personal desires. The key is to identify something
you WANT to do that you CAN do—and do it. Clashes with father or other
authorities are possible until you solidly understand and use your own inner
authority and expertise. Control of self is desirable — unless it goes to
extremes. Positive expressions include putting lots of yourself into your work,
being independent in your career, planning sensibly and then acting confidently.”
Pretty happy there are no death days... So while I feel pretty bad, and have been
feeling bad... I think I’ll get well.

November 14, 2004 (Sunday): call Susan Waters and talk for a little bit. Get
angry when Susan talks as if I’m not really very sick, or wouldn’t be if I thought
differently about this. I say I shouldn’t have called because I just feel too bad.
Thigh is way better than ER day, but could be better still.

November 15, 2004 (Monday): some pretty fierce pain in thigh. Sitting in bed,
watching telly when major incontinence hits. Stay in bathroom a quite long time,
and keep returning to avoid more to clean up. Luckily Kathleen had shown me how
to change the sheets most easy way. (good thing is I find an envelope with
granting of US Appeals Court enlargement of time.) Pretty scared. Had thought
that incontinence first ER day, after I was home, was from the pain killer or
muscle relaxant in the IV. Now worry it’s serious part of disease. Each relapse
has been so much worse. Hope this isn’t major relapse. Stay up most of the night
to avoid problems.

November 16, 2004 (Tuesday): feel like I’m cleaned out... Don’t feel as bad as I
expected. Thigh still radically painful, but in shorter bursts. Stay in bathroom
periodically. Kathleen comes. She always helps, with her attitude that things will
get better as well as her errands help.

November 17, 2004 (Wednesday): thigh pain upon waking is pretty intense. But
doesn’t last has long as it has been lasting. Make coffee, let kitty out, feed fish,
move phone connection into bedroom... up 12 minutes... most time so far. Wish the
infection in my foot weren’t there. Toe is quite red again, though the lines go
away when I have a LOT of vitamin C.

November 18, 2004 (Thursday): stomach muscles so tight... toe still red on tip...
lines when they go down, go much further now... almost along whole length of foot.
Sabra brings me echinacea homeopathic and more Vitamin C. Neck very stiff.
Thigh not quite so bad.

November 19, 2004 (Friday): for some reason I started to worry about
incontinence during the night and spent a lot of time in bathroom to avoid
problem. Then thigh pain which had seemed to be almost gone, came back: Very
Bad. This morning, nauseous... not quite as bad as last several days. Corrine says
no more caregiver: she had to give the $$ to a wheelchair bound client of hers –
no idea what I am going to do. I wish she had called sooner so I could
have organized. What will I do about court stuff that Kathleen had started?
Kathleen comes over just to be nice. Tell her it’s a miracle. Cry, feel like things
will be okay. Work on web page to avoid worrying; after several hours I get out
of bed and my diaphragm muscles are major tight (I’m not sure I know what the
diaphragm muscles are – what I mean when I say that is the muscles below my
chest) and by the time I get to the kitchen I’m pretty nauseated. Make tea
anyway; eat ginger cake from Kitchen Angels w/tea, hope it settles nausea.

November 20, 2004 (Saturday): Only got about 4 hours sleep: pain in thigh
acute, woke me repeatedly till I gave up trying to sleep. Good thing is that toe
seems a little less intensely red, and over not quite so large an area. Neck not so
stiff; can open mouth more widely. Chest seems to expand further for air. Didn’t
try to be up whole 12 minutes: made p&J sandwich so I’d have something in my
stomach when I took vitamin C with coffee.

November 21, 2004 (Sunday): slept horribly last night because of intense pain in
thigh... used panting to control reaction to the pain each time it hit... Sitting up to
sleep, which I still have to do, is uncomfortable and not very relaxing so with the
pain as well to deal with, I woke up this morning with a headache. However, the
Epsom salts compress from yesterday (using the ThermaCare thing to keep it
warm for over 10 hours) did seem to reduce the redness and red lines from the
infection – or it reduced the infection and as a result the red lines, etc.
retreated a bit. But I also used large amounts of 500 mg. Vitamin C, and the
Echinacea as per Sabra’s suggestion. I think that in reality, the Echinacea must
have a major role in the improvement, because I’d been using compresses and
Vitamin C for at least a week prior... with spotty results, and the red lines were
going down my toe, and had actually begun traveling along my foot. Plus, it seems
as if a large streak of redness on the side of my toe may have been from the
infection. I had not put it together with the infection because I thought it was a
result of pressure on my toe because of how I had to keep my foot in order
to avoid pressure on the top of my toe, which hurt. The red streak is less intense
and not as pronounced nor as extensive.

November 22, 2004 (Monday): intense pain in thigh makes sleeping fitful. Sabra
comes over for a visit. Remember how much pain I was in when Linda and her mum
visited back ages ago. That time my muscles got so tight that they felt a
constricting metal band around my midsection. This time, it just is so fun. No
tightening. Happiness. Sabra says she will get food/supplies from Wal*Mart for
me tomorrow.

November 23, 2004 (Tuesday): intense pain in thigh didn’t last quite as long each
time it happened last night. continue to feel good in terms of muscles: no relapse.
Infection in toe continues to recede. That makes me feel much more hopeful.
Sabra gets all the things I need from Wal*Mart. Big relief. No meal from
Kitchen Angels because of snow. I was going to make spaghetti, but find I don’t
have any sauce. Ate baked beans. Still no relapse, think healing may be well
under way. Hopeful and happy. Put compress on toe, but discover that the heating
things aren’t working. Only having had the Epsom salts quite warm to begin with,
it stayed warm just because of insulating of the ThermaCare product and sock.

November 24, 2004, (Wednesday): call county about home help. Takes a long
time to answer all questions; exhausting... muscles become tight, but not
extremely tight. Remain hopeful. Dedicated to putting compress on toe each day,
for more than 12 hours, plus Vitamin C and periodic B12 shots.

November 25, 2004 (Thanksgiving): continue to feel happy and as if I am
improving. Lovely Thanksgiving meal from Kitchen Angels, and Sabra brings over
treats, as well. B12 shot. (I haven’t been faithfully recording these, I’m afraid.)
Do several loads of wash. Feeling so hopeful. Stick with fresh compress, lots of
C. No B12 shot today. Thigh was somewhat better again.

November 26, 2004 (Friday): had only minutes of sharp pain in right thigh, slept
better. Hopeful. Vacuum for two minutes: makes improvement in how my place
looks. Work on website. Feeling really hopeful because of how much better I
feel. I can take slightly larger steps. The best thing is that I’ve not relapsed, and
before every time I felt better, I got much worse almost immediately and that
took days to settle back to how I felt before the relapse. Compress, Vitamin C
(12 or more tablets with a large mug of tea three or more times a day). B12 shot.

November 27, 2004 (Saturday): forgot melatonin last night: woke every couple
of hours. Algae eater died. Hard to take it out of fish bowl, put it in wooden tea
box to bury, and put it on geranium pot outside; takes long and muscles get too
tight. Good thing is: pain in thigh is no longer so intense when it hits. Thigh feels
less numb, too. If I run my fingernails lightly over it, there is sensation over a
larger area. When I take yesterday’s compress off, none of the lines go all the
way to the bottom of my nail any more. Take a photo while toe still wet. Feel
bad about algae eater, it was too cold for it. I had thought about that but I the
fish bowl was too heavy for me. Getting ready to do fresh compress, bend to take
closer look at toe and major sharp pain hits in abdominal muscles, like the
Tuesday after I’d gotten so much better. That time I’d gotten rather far from
home, doing things, because I didn’t think anything had really been wrong
(seriously wrong, as opposed to discomfort); and before I’d left to do the things,
I’d torn up my house: washing bed clothes, etc. So I had to finish just to have my
bed. This time I immediately rested. No activity. No computer at all for an hour.
Tried to get up to do compress. Abdominal muscles sharply painful (like appendix
feeling last time, only this time it seems like it’s in higher up muscles). Rest more,
eat saltines for breakfast (already here because I eat a couple each time I take
Ibuprofen, and when I’m nauseated. Though since I realized that I got nauseated
after my midriff muscles got tight, I’ve been careful not to push myself once
those muscles start getting tight, and I’ve not been as nauseated so much of the
time.) Finally manage to get compress materials together and get it on my toe.
Hope that because I didn’t push myself after the appendix like pain, that it will
go away. Think I won’t do B12 shot so I don’t have to get up. Do have to stay in
bathroom because of feeling like major incontinence is starting.

November 28, 2004 (Sunday): thigh not good, affects sleep; two B12 shots.
Compress still helping. 3 mugs of tea with massive Vit. C. Abdominal muscles still
have sharp pain. No incontinence. More happy than not. Force myself to stay
quiet. By evening know relapse is not as bad as others. Stick with homeopathics
(and have been pretty regularly), so too Ibuprofen.

November 29, 2004 (Monday): slept much better re thigh pain. Must have been
the B12 shots. Call the 1 ½ hour free help county line and they are going to
investigate. Whew. Toe not red on right side, but still very red on left side (of
top). Fresh compress, lots of C and tea. Cold in the house: central heat not on...
Kathleen was going to help me with that but now she’s not coming any more. No
B12 shot because 2 yesterday.Thigh is really very good. Melatonin as per usual.

November 30, 2004 (Tuesday): slept great first part of night, then thigh began
to wake me, so B12 must have worn off. Want to take a shot but do not because
of the cramping I used to have when I took them without exercise after. Try to
focus on how I’ll have one after it’s light. Compress very cold when I take it off
about 11am. Toe is more red on top than usual, and there’s a light brownish streak
below my nail, heading toward ankle... Can’t get house much warmer; too late to
ask Sabra to bring more ThermaCare. Corrine calls, that’s good. : ) Will call Dr.
Keith to confirm that she’ll come. Put fresh compress on about 11pm, with
ThermaCare to keep it warm, to avoid the cold stopping it from working, like last
night. Mug of tea with C.

December 1, 2004 (Wednesday): Not so cold as yesterday when I wake up, toe is
warm because of ThermaCare and compress; leave it on. Bobbett Gurule comes
this afternoon – she’s very nice; she may have a doctor to come here, she’s
surprised that TBI didn’t tell me about their services. I’m sooo happy. I’m glad I
used my web site in ABCHomeopathy and Sabra recognized it. Sabra is who told
me to call the county for help. Sabra comes over right after Bobbett leaves. So I
talked with people for over 4 hours; midsection muscles painful and I have to
hold them, one spot on the left is sharply painful. Kitchen Angels sends flowers:
sunflowers. So happy making, plus they smell good. Sharp pain persists for over 4
hours. Take compress off toe about 10pm. There’s what looks like a little pile of
white stuff on the tip of my toe, above the middle line under my toe nail. Was it
drawn out by the Epsom salt? It looks like fine white sand. Going to take a
picture but it looks so fake; I decide to touch it and it gets so spread out I can’t
see it anymore. I soooo wish I’d taken a picture. Will put another compress on in
an hour or two to complete job, hopefully. Happiness. Lines most faint ever.

December 2, 2004 (Thursday): Intense pain in right thigh keeps waking me up.
No B12 shot since Nov. 28... Have a shot at 4pm in hopes it reduces thigh pain
over night and I can sleep. Mug of tea with C. Corrine does not bring food and
calls just before 4:30. I feel really let down by her. I ask her why she didn’t tell
me about adult protective services. She says I should have called around and
found out. I feel exhausted after talking to her. Write to her boss about some of
the problems. Don’t post right away, to think about it. 8pm take compress off.
Plan to leave it off for three hours. About a half hour later when toe is dry, I see
a circle around the spot where the little pile of stuff was. I take a picture, then
try to brush it off, but this is different... it’s almost as if the skin is abraded in
a circle around the spot, and Epsom salt has stuck into the edges of the circular
patch around the more smooth skin. The lines are really faint, but not gone. I
decide to wait till tomorrow to put on another compress. Put vaseline on thigh
which was looking a bit peeled, maybe from swelling? Hope vaseline reduces tight
feeling. Exhausted, turn out lights a little after ten. Can’t sleep though. At 1a.m.
take Ibuprofen, then sleep till about 5 a.m.

December 3, 2004 (Friday): Up at 5:30 a.m. Notice that toe doesn’t hurt when it
rubs against bed covers; still red though. Muscles that were so painfully sore
around abdomen yesterday are itching, seems like they may be healing; tired, but
hopeful. Bobbette comes, brings in mail. Foreclosure hearing notice. I get really
cold and start shaking. Can’t get warm. Bobbette is reassuring, says she will write
something to Court. Can’t type clearly, many errors. Scared. Feel like TBI has
major let me down. By p.m. I’m exhausted. Don’t feel like changing compress;
toe dark red again, maybe from cold and stress.

December 4, 2004 (Saturday): pbs is advertising: my favorite programs aren’t
on. Work on Reply Brief. Carroll at Law Library tells me how to find 5 years of
case law at LexisOne; too intense; great. Concentrating on Brief helps me not be
scared about foreclosure. Call Connie Foster to say hi, she says when she runs out
of money she’s thinking she’ll kill herself. Oh dear. Take compress off p.m.
Another white bit at top end of red line... this is like the tip of something that’s
further embedded. It won’t knock off. Put fresh compress on late p.m. after
a few hours of foot breathing. Hopeful.

December 5, 2004 (Sunday): work on Reply Brief: cannot get the Law Library
emails of Badillo-Santiago to be so I can read them; try screen shots put into
Word docs, but bits are missing and it takes over 16 Word pages for a fraction
of the case... each screen shot shows only a few words because of the gargantuan
size of the email contents; almost crying; can’t read it, feel near hopeless; hard
not to be swamped by fear and become distraught about foreclosure. Google case
name and get Amicus Curea Brief and Circuit Court vacating earlier court’s
judgment. Intense!!!! Wow. Finally see how I should be constructing Brief
presentation. Feel like it’s a miracle. p.m. take compress off and there’s a white
bit again. Lines are becoming quite faint, can only see them from certain angles.
Put fresh compress on late p.m.

December 6, 2004 (Monday): Call Denver, brief due Wednesday, not Tuesday:
Whew! Keep sticking with the masses of C and mugs of tea. Concentrating on
Brief reduces fear of foreclosure. Compress off p.m.: looks less red. Hopeful.
Fresh compress.

December 7, 2004 (Tuesday): Fed Ex takes Brief about 2:30 p.m. Almost
instantly I’m devastated. I guess because I don’t have anything to take my mind
off foreclosure. Jana never sounds interested: she has a Stepford Wife attitude;
don’t feel as if she hears me. I make calls she seems to have ignored making: re
Sara and completing the Returns. Jana says she’ll come 9a.m. to pick up Return
Forms for Sara to complete. Masses of C, mugs of tea as per usual. I write and
Fax file something with court. Bobbette sends something to court. Pretty
distressed. Change compresses. Can’t go to sleep.

December 8, 2004 (Wednesday): Up early. Waiting for Jana. Jana doesn’t come,
doesn’t call. Finally at 10 she comes. She has a real Stepford Wife attitude only
it’s not really nice to me, it’s just like a front. She sounds like she could care less.
Says she will not see to them getting filed, that she will only do what she agreed
to last night. I thought she did agree to taking care of it, but she seems pleased
to say she did not. Major tense muscles, clamping tight, extreme pain in abdominal
muscles. Call Connie to maybe serve Shapiro/ Meinhold at court. She can’t. I’m
glad I offered it to her since she had said she was going to kill herself when she
ran out of money. Call “expedited” process servers. David Segura. He’s good. Feel
less scared when I know some Returns will be filed.

December 9, 2004 (Thursday): gums red and swollen, can’t leave partial in.
Really scared about infection in my gums. Corrine comes at 9, not at noon as she’d
agreed: appointment. She brings bad food: donuts, brown cabbage, somewhat
rotten salad stuff in plastic bag. She doesn’t sound like she’s telling the truth.
Salt water solution in mouth for long periods. Put partial in to eat dinner; no
entre was sent, so I eat some slices of bread with bologna and individual cheese
slices: painful.

December 10, 2004 (Friday): gums really bad, dark red over pretty big area.
Scared. Three hours of salt water in mouth. Helps some, not a lot. Kathleen comes
over to get a Return corrected. Great to see her. Feel bad I can’t have partial in.
Massive C, tea. Ibuprofen, wonder if Ibuprofen has keep me from feeling tooth
stump getting huge decay. From resting yesterday when I only worked on my web
page, my muscles seem better. Major pain hardly there at all. Compress off: toe
looks really good. Fresh compress just to be thorough and sure. Wish this wasn’t
accompanied by huge teeth problem.

December 11, 2004 (Saturday): gums hurt even though partial isn’t in. Take
implant screw out. Salt water solution in mouth for an hour. Infection in mouth
hurts sharp pain with salt water, dull ache between salt water. Glands feel
swollen. Eyes burn. Take compress off early hoping for good clear toe, and that’s
true. It’s still looking good: all red lines are faint an half the length they were.
Left eye not seeing clearly. Infection is on left upper side of mouth. Tooth
stump is black with decay. Scared. Can’t go to sleep till going on 4 a.m.

December 12, 2004 (Sunday): didn’t sleep well even though pain in right thigh is
vastly reduced. Hard to eat without partial; jaw feels really tight, maybe from
extra strain since without partial there’s a larger space my teeth/jaw close
through in trying to chew. Take out second implant screw. Salt water for hours,
till I run out of salt. Inside of my lips are irritated from the salt. Muscles
itching, which seems like a good sign, grandpa used to say itching (after I had my
appendix out) was a sign of healing. Call Gateway tech re computer not working;
Christy, the young woman, had tetanus when she was about 8, she got it near her
birthday which she said was in May... it took her till August to be able to go
outside. She remembers it like the worse case of flue ever, with all her muscles
hurting. Her neck did get “locked” when she was lying on sofa because she wasn’t
feeling good, and her jaw locked; she was in hospital three days; hers itched when
she was getting better. I’m amazed to have gotten to talk to someone else who has
had tetanus. Computer’s okay, whew. Massive C and tea. Fresh compress.

December 13, 2004 (Monday): Doreen didn’t come. Feel a little scared. Don’t
hear from Bobbette, so I think Bobbette must be under the weather. Sabra says
she can get a few things for me. Massive C and tea. Young woman delivers for
Kitchen Angels.. when I hear her at door I get up to go collect dinner from her,
only she’s already in hall and I jump in fright, then laugh. She’s a very nice young
woman. Fresh compress. Gums are very red only in certain areas now.

December 14, 2004 (Tuesday): Didn’t sleep well last night. I’m so tired of
sleeping sitting up, but my muscles begin to feel very worrying when I try to
straighten out. Sabra is going to P.O. so she says she’ll get stamps for me. She’ll
also get salt and Listerine. Try to take it easy. Massive C, tea. Take compress off
around noon. Toe looks really good. Think I may not put another compress on. B12
shot. Charles delivers for Kitchen Angels, he cheers me up big time, but when he’s
leaving he says how dark the hallway is and I realize I forgot to put light on, I
feel soooo bad because Kitchen Angels is so nice and putting the light on is the
least I can do. 10 p.m. toe has line again... much thicker but not all the way to
bottom of nail... Fresh compress. Sharp pain in muscle above abdomen on left side
when I move; there most of the day...

December 15, 2004 (Wednesday): Slept better last night. Hand asleep when I
wake up. Curious about that since I had a B12 shot yesterday. Time myself when
I get up to see how I’m doing. I was up 12 minutes before my muscles started
tightening enough to scare me; most tightening in my back muscles. I had thought
it would be longer. Risk management lady coming today. She didn’t come.

December 16, 2004 (Thursday): Up 13 minutes, first thing, before muscles
tighten so much I have to go back to bed. Gums swollen, can’t put partial in.
Vitamin C (masses), compress, homeopathics, and Listerine...

December 17, 2004 (Friday): Bobbette comes and gets list to get things I need;
when she doesn’t come right back I get scared she’s had an accident – I get really
cold. Happily she’s fine. C, Compress, Ibuprofen. Methylcobalamin arrives from
Fred. Mouth sore. Wal*Mart did photos wrong, way too expensive: on hold long
without talking to manager; Will try to remember to do it over internet.

December 18, 2004 (Saturday): Mouth sore, still swelling, but not as bad. Try
methylcobalamin. Flavor is much better than I expected. It seems to have same
effect as cyanocobalamin... nice not to have to use the needle. Trying to rest
more, so muscles get better: work on web site because it doesn’t require hard
thinking, so it’s restful. C, Compress, Ibuprofen.

December 19. 2004 (Sunday): really impressed with methylcobalamin. Started to
get depressed feeling, took one when otherwise I’d have had a shot, and it
worked; Trying to relax a lot though, so muscles heal. Also pain in thigh continues
to diminish. C, Compress, Listerine, Ibuprofen.

December 20, 2004 (Monday): pain and tightness seem much better, don’t take
Ibuprofen until 10:30 a.m., that’s 9½ hours. Also, was up 17 minutes before
tightening made me have to go back to bed. Really happy about length of time.
Doreen comes with Bobette. Organize foreclosure papers for Doreen to take to
Bernadette for copying and to be sent to Legal Aid lawyer, Sandy. Stressful
reading some of the papers where they had hearings that I didn’t even know
about. (2/24/05 : the hearing they had without me was in the injunction case
before Judge Pfeiffer.) Can’t keep papers straight. Have to reorganize them
over and over again. Doreen says it’s nearly time for her to leave. I call
Bernadette to see if Doreen can just leave the papers, and if DVR will mail them
to Sandy... she says yes, asks me to write address for Jenelle. I can barely keep
that request in mind, I copy address, but then when I try to write Jenelle’s name,
I can barely write... my writing isn’t clear at all. I am sooo stressed. Can’t type
straight either. Try to play Mah Jong but chat is hopelessly transposed letters
and mixed up. No one talks to me. Call Sabra, talk is good. But in the evening I’m
still not functioning properly in terms of my mind and my fingers working
together... typing still off. C, compress.

December 21, 2004 (Tuesday): methylcobalamin still seems to be working really
well, using less Ibuprofen, pain in stomach muscles less intense. Valerie Del O,
and Rudy Del O come over as insurance adjusters re risk management, office of
the courts. Sabra is here to observe. Feel my hand shaking when I gesture. Can’t
remember words when I’m trying to talk. After they leave I can remember
Valerie asking me a question, or part of a question, but I can’t remember it all. I
ask Sabra. She says V. had wanted to know what accommodations I wanted. I wish
I’d told her about paper Jill Ryan wrote and that I filed with court. Really
tense; typing affected, feel like I’m not thinking straight. Can’t do anything
because of inaccuracy factor. Bobbette brings Christmas basket food: just tons
of supplies. But Bobbette’s uncle has killed himself, and another uncle has died...
so she’s going to Colorado Springs for funeral... I ask if she would/can deliver
summons. She calls to see, and says yes. Happy but still stressed and not
functioning. When Charles brings evening meal I confuse a lot of words and am
really distressed because of my non-functioning. Worst is when I want to say
“hydrogen sulfide” and say, “homo” and stop. I wish I hadn’t been attacking
Christians on pbs today about their attacks on gays. I’m afraid I hurt his
feelings. Take 3 Ibuprofen at 6 p.m. because pain level has risen, probably
because of extreme stress of court not accommodating and so close to
foreclosure. Scared. Then later get email from Bobbette, who can’t find Return
forms. But I’ve already missed her. I’m pretty tense, even when I try to relax. It
seems like if the court has been refusing to accommodate, and ruling against me,
that it is not going to stop discriminating unless the 10th Circuit rules in my
favor... Scared. Do not want to lose home.

December 22, 2004 (Wednesday): up only 11 minutes before I have to go back to
bed. Couldn’t sleep well last night, thigh worse, I think from the stress affecting
my nerves. Can’t see very clearly -- also probably nerves affected by stress.
Take an extra vitamin A. There’s no way I can properly answer all the papers in
the time the judge gave. It’s hopeless if I can’t get accommodation. Try not to
think about losing my home. Scared, though. Methylcobalamin, C, Ibuprofen,
Compress.

December 23, 2004 (Thursday): Can’t sleep. Right thigh is intensely painful
again. Little spasms of pain run through it, and when they do my right foot flexes
up, not the whole foot, but my toes and the front part of my foot bend up toward
my ankle – it does it, I don’t do it. Eyes burn from being tired, and from the
wearing effect of the pain. Wrists feel extremely tired. A.m. it’s very cold in
house. Can’t warm it up. Muscles get very tight againt, even around middle where
breathing is – feel nauseous. C, Ibuprofen, fresh compress.

December 24, 2004 (Friday): takes half the day to warm up house. Muscles ight.
Kitchen Angels makes me so happy – beautifll bood. Cannot type. Also a smiling
delivery person. Happiest Chrismtas, excpet for beign sick, in a long time. C,
Ibuprofen, didn’t put fresh comparess on – too tired.

December 25, 2004 (Saturday): got eight hours of sleep though ti was hard o go
to sleep because head kept falling way to the left. So tired of sleping sitting up.
Took more Ibuprofen in the early morning, in the dark, when thigh was about to
be unbearable. Timed myself when I got up, ony 7 minutes. (down from 17 on
Tuysay,no mmoNday morning.) Plus, I pushed myself aftern muscles started
tightening and now they still hurt even though I’m in bed. On the plus side, when I
press on a muscle it’s sore. They used to just be tight. So I thinkt he soreness if
on the side of healing. I wish they were still itching. Tat tidn’t last veyr long, I
think because of the court stress. Court is hopeless if they keep trefusing to
accommodate. (I am not correcting all the errors, ecaue the errors are a resutl of
the stress and they and the tsress make everyting that much harder.) Feel nearer
hopeless today. I’ve lost several days and much improvement has been lsot
because judge woudn’t accommodtae, No way I can answer all motions in 15 days
from hearing, when I didnt’ even get themail for nearly a week – or at least
way beyond what it would have taken id if I docud go to the mail box myself.
Judge seems to have determined he will foreclose becauehe willmake it impossible
for me to defend. Pre-Paid dwasn’t there on Wednesday (probably for holiday);
Legal aid attoreny, Sandy, coulnd’t be reached... yet I’m supposed to file on
Monday. He ouwouldnot have done this to an attoreny. Need to check reules. Bit
tpdau O’m gong to read on stress: the Elissa Epel material. Being able to be up
only 7 minute – 7 minutes is not enought itme to do anything... and my musles are
so tight again aht I can’t take as large steps anymoere, ant that means just going
to another room takes longer, when I already have less time. Was going to have an
olive cuz ilove olives.l th Christmas atreat. But of course I can’t open oliv jar. I
can barely open bolobna bologna packs – the sealed plastic that you have to pull
apartr. But, Bobbette got me wonderful brie and totritllas so I’m enohoy
enjoyhing that for c?hristmas. it’s totally wonederful.

December 26, 2004 (Sunday): Slept poorly, woke up – vision blurry. Bathroom,
coffee, water for kitty, up 7 minutes before tightening extreme, back to bed.
Depressign that I was able to be up 17 minutes. Tomorrow is the day I would
have gotten rent. Next Sunday I need to show the house... when I was ablet toe
be up 17 minutes, I was happy thinking I oculd shoulw it. Even though I’m back in
bed, my muscles still feel bad. So I’m much much worse than a week ago.

August 20, 2005 (Saturday): it’s been a long, long time since I wrote. In March I
got to see the Homeless Doctor because my home had been foreclosed and I was
therefore in risk of being homeless. I was very sick again when I went to see him,
I could barely walk and I was very bent over and my voice was weird, old
sounding. I had a hard time explaining to him, but he was very patient. I took
pictures of my toe with me, so he could see some of the ways it had looked. He
looked up in his computer before he prescribed for me. He prescribed a 500mg
Metronidazol every 6 hours for 10 days. The Adult Protective Services helper
took me to the pharmacy where homeless people can get free prescriptions, and I
asked them please to hurry because I had tetanus. I had to go sit down. I got the
Metronidazol and could barely get back to the car. I took the Metronidazol as
directed and nothing really happened for several days. I just stayed soooo sick.
Meaning I could barely move and I had to sit still in bed. But then it began to
work. I went back for a follow up visit with the doctor about on the 10th day of
the prescription, and he gave me another 7 days. The stuff tastes really ugly and
the taste becomes a part of my body, it doesn’t ever go away. But, I am so
grateful for the full dose of the stuff, since it’s what is recommended for tetanus.
That’s how I felt, just soooo grateful. Then I have another follow up appointment,
but I’m not totally forthright with the doctor because I am soooo tired of the evil
taste of the Metronidazol. I mostly tell the doctor about how much better I am.
(I am just thinking that I failed to record how a woman sent me a huge box of
oranges and grapefruit and some propolis and oil of oregano... this was in the
period when I didn’t have any antibiotic and I was still so sick. The things she sent
helped, but just could not drive out the whole of the infection or kill the bacteria.
I’m not sure. I know they helped. But not enough to make me well. The
Metronidazol made a huge difference, a really huge difference.

Okay so now it’s August and I was exercising to get my strength back. The doctor
said that I should walk to start with. I said I was afraid of falling since my feel
were going major numb, just totally numb and that made me feel as if they weren’t
touching the floor and I felt like I was falling. I was really afraid of being on the
sidewalk and falling. He said just walking around my garden would be fine. I was
happy to walk around my garden because if I fell out there, there was tall grass
and the earth is a lot softer than sidewalk. I got so much better that I could do 5
minutes on my Gazelle, three times a day. I couldn’t do more than that without the
major tightening happening.

I saw the doctor again and asked him about how my stomach still felt really scary
when my kitty bumped it if she was washing herself while sitting on my lap. It felt
as if it was going to start the contractions in my back again. He said that was the
nerves, which were damaged, and that it was a feeling having to do with the nerve
damage, not with the bacteria being about to cause contractions again. I was
relieved to hear that.

But then, about a month ago

September 7, 2005 (Wednesday): I have been meaning to illustrate as best I can
how the tetanus felt. It was a sickening feeling and unlike anything I had ever felt
before in my life.

1. The day after I got the first muscle contraction in my back, I felt my mid-
section muscles tightening and I thought it was from being cold, so I tried
exercising to loosen my muscles, but in only a few minutes I felt as if there was
cement in the lower part of my body that felt heavy and as if it was hardening. It
was a worrying feeling.

2. When I tried to take a shower in preparation for my second attempt to get
medical help from the ER, the cement feeling increased in an extremely scary way
when I needed to rinse the shampoo out of my hair but I was already being bent
over.

3. Once the cement feeling began increasing, it increased rather rapidly and it
was scary because it felt as if it would completely take over. What my
illustration doesn't show is that it bend me over. So, I was afraid not only of the
seizures coming back in my back, but I was afraid that the cement feeling thing
would go from bending me to immobilizing me.

4. The times that it took me several minutes to get back to bed, it took several
hours for the feeling to begin to llessen.

One of the hardest things now is that when I am up too long or attempt to do too
much, the feeling comes back and it still bends me over. Before I overdid it the
day I was getting paint at Home Depot, I had worked up to 5 minutes on my
Gazelle three times a day. But after the Home Depot day I couldn't do a minute
and a half without the cement feeling bending me which again was very worrying. I
tried a minute and even that little time brought it on.

November 19, 2005 (Saturday): When I drew the illustration I failed to explain
that I drew it because when the lawyer who was foreclosing my home refused to
hold off the sale on the courthouse steps when I had a buyer for my rental and
the money to pay off my mortgage was only two weeks away, I had to file a
Chapter 11 to preserve my home. It took me all day to prepare the papers. When I
got up to give them to the man who was taking them to Albuquerque for me,
because I'm still in bed recovering from this tetanus, I found that the lower part
of my torso felt just the way it did during the tetanus. It felt like figure 4.

So, it appears that intense stress has the same effect as excessive exertion.

I think there is a general belief that the only problem someone has when they have
tetanus is a "locked jaw." But that is not at all what the worst of it is. It "locks"
all the muscles and causes extremely painful muscle seizures in the back that are
really terrifying.

June 28, 2006 (Wednesday): I wish I'd kept up writing every day. It's hard to
believe that I am still so sick so much of the time. Last summer I was doing really
well, and then when I was out getting some things from Home Depot to fix up my
rental so I could sell it, I had to wait so long with no where to sit down that it was
a lot like that time way in the beginning when I was at Wal*Mart and kept
pushing myself. Only this time the appendicitis pain wasn't as fierce. It kept me
from being able to walk into my garden, though. By the time I got to the edge of
my deck the pain was prohibitive. It took three months of being stuck in bed all
the time for it to get better. I wish I'd written consistently because the
foreclosure thing was more complicated than I had thought it would be. But I
saved my home by Don going to Albuquerque and filing Chapter 13 for me. Only
then I had to go to the creditors meeting and the Senior Transport was half an
hour late and the U.S. Trustee blamed me and said she would work to get my
bankruptcy dismissed. It was. But I think that if I'd known about the hearing
that was held, that it wouldn't have been dismissed. I've never been able to get
the Post Office to deliver my mail to my door, so I only get my mail once a week,
when the lady from Protective Services comes to help me. The lady who comes now
is Michelle and she is soooo nice. She worked at Rancho Encantado a long time ago,
as did I, so we were in sync a bit when she started. She always cheers me up. But
recently, since March 8, 2006, I've been so sick again. I was able to go out to
Wal*Mart with Michelle. I could walk from the car - Michelle would let me out at
the door - to the little electric carts. It was so fun to go out. But then I got so
much worse that it was really hard to walk again and the pain would hit and my legs
would sort of give out, I think from the pain. Or else it's from the nerves and
muscles being affected. I don't know. On March 8, 2006, they approved the
foreclosure sale of my condo. I didn't even know it had been foreclosed. I didn't
know about the sale till the Realtor who bought it, Rick Green, from the same
agency where I had it listed, called my listing agent and said he had bought title
at the foreclosure sale. Since I didn't know, I couldn't appeal. I had paid people
over $4,000 to do work on it to prepare it for sale. I'm sure he watched the work
being done and thought how clever he was to take advantage of me. The judges, I
think, were retaliating for the ADA case I filed against them for not
accommodating my disability. They certainly refused to accommodate it now. They
seemed, literally appeared to be a bit pleased that they were ruling against me
and having my condo go to this Realtor. There were all sorts of due process issues,
that the judges ignored. I got so sick that I felt as if I had the flu, and that made
the whole muscle thing get bad again. The homeless doctor had told me it's not the
muscles that get bad, it's the nerves that are damaged that cause the muscles to
feel and act as they do. My kitty left. I got so bad again that I couldn't have her
on my lap, and she is very interested in being on someone's lap. I think she found
someone who allows her, probably wants her on their lap. I'm actually relieved
that she is gone because it was so scary when she would touch my stomach and the
rippling feeling would happen that made me scared that my back muscles would
contract in that really extremely painful way again. I feel bad that I don't miss
her, because she was a very sweet kitty, but it's such a relief to no have that
feeling. If you read this far, please would you pray that I get my condo back? I
paid on it for 17 years and believed it would provide for me in my old age. I was
so depressed today. I was thinking about how if the hospital had properly
diagnosed and treated my B12 deficiency when my B12 level was 141 in early
1997, that I would not have gotten the peripheral neuropathy and I would have
felt the broken bit of needle in my toe and I might not have gotten tetanus. But,
being deeply depressed is no fun. So I had an extra B12 shot today. I tried to
walk a bit in my garden, but my steps are so short because my muscles are tight
again. Which is why I'm writing this, because of how stress makes this come back.
I mean, I know that the clostridia has been killed. (I've finally learned the name
of the thing that causes tetanus) but my muscles still get tight and painful. My
voice has stopped getting the old old sound.

February 1, 2005 (Tuesday): Put earrings in, notice that left ear lobe is really
puffy. Bobbette drives me to El Rito to see Dr. Keith. Dr. Keith examines my toe...
asks a lot of questions, says I did have tetanus, but that she doesn’t think I’ll get
the contractions again, only I need to get out whatever feels sharp when the tip of
my toe is pressed. Silica. Two doses a day. Have one at her office and another
before I go to sleep. After one before I’m trying to go to sleep, there’s some
sharp pain in my tinnitus ear (the right one.) It doesn’t last, luckily, as it was
really sharp.

February 2, 2005 (Wednesday): Changed compress. There’s a red spot above the
middle line, now, that’s like the red spot that was above the line on the right ... so
that’s good maybe it will draw it out really fast. And, I wonder if there are
hydrogen sulfide toxins, if it might draw that out, too??? There are some more of
those brown spots that aren’t sebacious keritosis. I’m really so hopeful. It is such
a relief to have had a doctor actually look at my toe. My ear lobes are still real
puffy. P.M. took two photos of the white spot that’s appeared above the middle to
left lines. I’m hopeful.

February 8, 2005 (Tuesday): Court hearing. Judge held an earlier hearing that I
didn’t get notice for. He said I had notice, but when I showed the paper to
Bobbette she pointed out it was from the December 8, 2004 hearing. Judge would
not look at paper. He said he’d already dismissed my third party complaints in the
other case, that morning. On the way home Bobbette repeated what he’d said
about why the mortgage company should be paid and me lose my home and rental.
So he convinced her. I collapsed into bed and couldn’t because of my muscles, even
make a cup of tea that I wanted. It was like the stress gave a great boost to the
disease.

February 10, 2005 (Thursday): Don calls to say the boiler is shot at the rental –
that it was carbon monocide not gas that he smelled. Estimate is $3,400. I do not
fall apart, but remain logical and attempt to find solutions.

February 11, 2005 (Friday): Bobbette emails me that she has talked to Dr. Lynch,
the lawyer I was in contact with. I feel so violated that she did that without
asking or telling me. I no longer feel as if I can handle things. My voice has lost
its confidence. Don picks up B12 and needles at Wal*Mart for me. He makes me
laugh while he visits. But overall I no longer feel hopeful.

February 12, 2005 (Saturday): Nose bleed. B12 shot. I try to contact Territorial
Plumbing owners the way I said I would, but I feel so hopeless that I feel creepy
trying.

February 13, 2005 (Sunday): B12 shot. I’m still no where near as good (in terms
of regained health) as I was before the judge called that December 8th hearing
when I had so little notice and when I was shaking from the tension and then when
the weather changed I couldn’t get warm.

February 14, 2005 (Monday): I try to do the emailing that I’d planned all year to
do for Valentine’s, but my message is so poor. Not at all like the Christmas
message which was well thought out and many faceted. Whereas people thanked me
for the Christmas message, this time lots of people asked to be removed. Egypt
puts her head on my stomach ... on the right where the muscles seem to be
connected to my back, and they felt soo bad... I moved her right away but the
feeling didn’t stop or go away... it was an unsettling feeling as if there was a ball
of tiny worms writhing right there. This evening Egypt fell asleep on my knee and I
noticed that her heart was beating so hard it was moving her whole body... I wrote
on the BrainTalk forum about it because it scared me – I wonder if it’s because of
the oil from the oil filled radiator... that she was sleeping on when I didn’t realize
it was leaking. But then she moved and I realized that there was this nerve or vein
or something throbbing in my knee. It wasn’t Egypt, it was my knee. I have no idea
what could make that much movement, to actually rhythmically move my kitty. My
thigh feels like the peripheral neuropathy is coming back: the shattered glass
being shot into my leg feeling was back, only just for bursts. It didn’t last. It’s
hard to believe the moons on my thumb nails are nearly gone, and I didn’t notice. I
think the methylcobalamin lozenges are not sufficient. So depressed. I had liked
feeling like I could trust Bobbette.

February 15, 2005 (Tuesday): Well, I can sleep lying flat now, but there’s a
weird feeling in my back muscles when I do that: in maybe three to five places the
muscles in my back feel as if there is a metal bristle cat brush inside pressing. It’
s not like anything I’ve ever felt before. I am really distressed to realize I am
going to lose everything and without a hearing. The judge said that “they” didn’t
agree about what I wrote... so I guess he means when he and the opposing
attorneys were discussing me on December 8th. I sent Bobbette a lot of questions
that I had as a result of her calling the lawyer, and she didn’t respond yesterday. I
don’t think she intends to respond. If she couldn’t get me a doctor months ago, then
I don’t know why she stepped in with the lawyer who’d been recommended to me.
Whatever she meant, I’ve ended up feeling the same way my father made me feel.
B12 shot. I’m going to be really still today, and sleep a lot and see if my muscles
get any better. That feeling in my stomach muscles where Egypt touched them
yesterday was pretty scary. It was such light pressure to have caused so much
discomfort and continued involuntary movement in the muscles. I made coffee to
have for lunch with cheese and crackers, while I open the mail that Doreen
brought in yesterday. An unmarked envelope, without any return address, contains
the foreclosure of my home. On Tuesday the 8th, at the hearing for which I didn’t
get notice, the judge foreclosed my property. I can barely breathe... and my
throat feels as if it is closed. There is also a City envelope, and in it is the
dismissal of the City from my third party complaint. There is no envelope from
Butt Thornton. Now I see why he judge didn’t want to just grant me a copy of the
tape... he wanted to keep me from knowing as long as possible. What a corrupt
court. But I wonder if the court knows that the 10th Circuit will not find for me...
because it seems strange that the Court would violate so many of my rights if it
had any idea that it would be called to account. The City’s motion was granted
because I didn’t have time to answer it because of the failure to accommodate my
disability. I wonder if Bobbette knew when she called the lawyer, and if Tom
knew at Protection and Advocacy and if that’s why he never got back to me about
the loan to pay my mortgage. It almost seems like if that many people knew and
they weren’t telling me, and they were en masse taking decisions that affect me,
that it is a “conspiracy.” My chest is still so tight, and it’s four hours later. I
think I’d better have another B12 shot. I had a shower to calm down, besides
which it’s been a week since I had one because of how much worse my muscles were
after the hearing last Tuesday. I gave myself a B12 shot, but it was very hard to
do because of how my hands are shaking. I’m not surprised I’ve gotten worse so
many times when the stress and negligence and corruption are this manifest. I
should have had adequate antibiotic from October 7th. I should not have had to
wait till last week when I got it from Dr. Keith because I was finally well enough
to go that far. My chest is so tight. Three hours later, and the muscles beneath my
abdomen are tight the way they were the first few days after the first
contraction.

February 16, 2005 (Wednesday): 4:45 a.m. woken because it’s so hard to breathe.
This is how the tetanus felt in the first weeks. Get up, make coffee, take
Ibuprofen. I think the intense distress yesterday has taken a toll. Not that I’m
very much less stressed today. What is most distressing is that the judge took my
property without allowing me to be at a hearing. It’s like he’s making it clear that
I have no rights. He said something about how I may think something, but they
don’t. The way he said, “they” had an ominous sound – perhaps only to me because I
was thinking about the transcript of the hearing he held without me after I asked
for a continuance. I wonder if it would have been less of a stress on my muscles if
I’d not been lying flat to sleep. Call Dr. Keith about higher amount of
Metronidazol. B12 shot.

February 17, 2005 (Thursday): Am back to taking Ibuprofen every 3 hours or
same kind of pain and extreme tightening as before. Slept raised. Took Ibuprofen
during the night.